Doesn't Even Matter
by Mateem Bluewing
Summary: A songfic set to Linkin Park’s “In the End” which seemed like an extremely appropriate angst song for the Clow and Yue relationship.


A/N: *sigh* All right, a total angst-to-the-max songfic that came to mind when I first heard the song at a dance party. It's set to Linkin Park's "In the End" which seemed like an extremely appropriate angst song for the Clow and Yue relationship. The memories in this are based off of the manga. Warning: There is death in this fic. Very depressing. I advise having a backup of funny stories to read after this one. 

Disclaimer: I don't claim ownership to Cardcaptor Sakura or Linkin Park or any of their songs.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I opened my eyes to the world for the first time, and found myself gazing into the first, and most beautiful dark blue eyes I ever saw. They shined from a pale, kind face, framed by the long black hair that spilled down from behind. He was beautiful. Beautiful in such a way, that it was sacrilege to even touch Him. 

__

_(It starts with)  
One thing / I don't know why  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme  
To explain in due time_

All my life, I watched Him, so inviting, but completely forbidden. He was mockingly within my reach, so many times have I remembered coming into His room to wake Him up in the morning, wishing to place a caressing hand across His cheek. So many times have I remembered standing or sitting near Him, only needing to lean but an inch, to feel that forbidden touch. So many times have I remembered watching my fellow creation and guardian, pressing himself up against Him, so disgustingly bold and sure of himself, ignorant of the divinity of His contact. But then, there were those times that He would reach out to _me_. He would touch me, tap me gently on the shoulder, cocoon my hands in His own while teaching me to use magic, that incredible contact that left my head swimming. So many times… through all those years… 

  
_All I know  
time is a valuable thing  
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings  
Watch it count down to the end of the day  
The clock ticks life away  
It's so unreal_

Then, came that one day, He told us of His prediction… that He would die. I felt so desperate at that moment… that such perfection could die. I could not be. It **would** not be. Perhaps if I ignored it long enough… it wouldn't happen, it would all prove to be fiction, and He would live forever, and I could always bask in His presence. 

  
_Didn't look out below  
Watch the time go right out the window  
Trying to hold on / but didn't even know  
  
  
  
_

That… was it. It was real. I would no longer see Him… hear His laughter… Then he told us… that there would be another. That was impossible. There will never be a being so close to perfection as He was… He mustn't leave… 

_Wasted it all just to  
Watch you go_

The last time I would ever be so close to Him… Wrapped for the shortest time in His embrace… I wanted so desperately to reach out, cling to him, so He wouldn't disappear, I could be with Him… just let me hold on… then darkness, and loneliness.

  
_I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart  
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried  
so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
  
  
  
_

A Mistress. That is whom I serve now. A young, inexperienced girl, who only passed The Judgment by the help of another. I can no longer sleep, surrounded by a world of merciful dreams. Instead, I exist in a harsh reality, without Him, bound by duty. What would I give to see that sweet face, outside of my dreams, just once.

_I had to fall  
To lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter_

I felt His presence, and a rush of hope… that He might take me back and I could be with Him again. I found his presence… in a boy. A boy, flanked by new guardians, ashing my hopes of being taken back. It seemed that He was testing us all. Why? I would ask to myself. Then… I found out what He wanted. To give up that power, that perfection, and just give it away.

  
_One thing / I don't know why  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme  
To remind myself how  
I tried so hard_

He told me, after it was all over, that he entrusted me to my new Mistress. Entrusted. Like I was merely an object, an heirloom to passed along. I suppose that was true… but I thought that perhaps, surely, I could inspire more than that… that maybe it wasn't completely over, I could still be with him…

  
  
  


_In spite of the way you were mocking me  
Acting like I was part of your property  
Remembering all the times you fought with me  
I'm surprised it got so (far)_

That night he just couldn't stand it anymore… no more pain… no more loneliness… just, companionship. Was it truly too much to ask for, the same companionship that his false form possessed with the Mistress' brother? Part of him was shamed, that he'd gotten so weak… 

_Things aren't the way they were before  
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore  
Not that you knew me back then  
But it all comes back to me  
In the end_

He knew that it was weak, but all the gods help him, he needed this. He flew, not caring if anyone saw him, across the midday landscape, westward, into a remaining nighttime, to England, where He was. Finding the mansion, He dwelt in, he zeroed in on His aura, finding His bedroom. A gust of windy magic blew His windows in, giving the winged being access. He walked to His bed, gazed on His face, now the face of one in their late teens, so gorgeous in sleep, down to those pale, full lips. Leaning his face down, unable to stop himself, not after this long, he pressed his lips against His, in a sweet, intense brushing of skin that woke the dark haired one up. Navy eyes, reflected by ethereal being's aura, flickered, first with surprise, then with a flash of pleasure, then hardened with a determination. He reached up, His arms brushing against the Moon Guardian's, and placed His hands on the white covered shoulders… and pushed him away.

  
_You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart  
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I  
I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter_

He stepped back, shocked, his heart completely destroyed. The one in the bed sat up, and He hesitantly spoke.

"Moon angel…"

But the words were too late, the winged being had turned tail, and fled, through the opened window, leaving them crashing back with the force his wings caused.

  
_I had to fall  
And lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
  
  
_

He stumbled onto the top of the Tokyo Tower, and collapsed, his whole body heaving from exhaustion, and the sobs tearing from his chest and throat. 

"Master," he whispered raggedy, his nails digging into his palms, drawing silver blood that glistened in the moonlight. He shut his eyes viciously, refusing the tears' escape.

_I put my trust in you  
Pushed as far as I can go  
And for all this  
There's only one thing you should know_

So, that was it. He knew he would remained rejected. No matter how much he showed his love, no matter how great the love, it would remain rejected…tossed away. Not even the one who created him…

  
_I put my trust in you  
Pushed as far as I can go  
And for all this  
There's only one thing you should know  
  
  
  
_

There was really only one thing he could do now… he thought back to Tomeda, his Mistress, Keroberos, the Cards… He walked to the edge of the beam he collapsed upon and looked towards the suburbs where they all were.

_I tried so hard_

_And got so far_

_But in the end_

_It doesn't even matter_

They would be all right… after all… it was… Sakura…

_I had to fall  
  
  
  
_

He leaned forward… 

_And lose it all  
  
  
  
_

Tilted off the edge just like he always did…

_But in the end  
  
  
  
_

And flew… down… closer and closer… to the only real way he could live…

_It doesn't even matter_

Which was to not. Then, darkness.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: O_O Good GODS!!!! I did I just write that!?!?!?!? 

Yue: You sure did. -____-

Me: Really? *points to it* I wrote dat? o.o

Yue: Yes, you bishoenen-killing bitch. You wrote that.

Me: ^^; Methinks Yue is a bit bitter on this particular fic…

Yue: Methinks Mateem has been spending too much time with Pikachumaniac, another author who seems to get a kick out of killing me. T_T


End file.
